Anxiety - My messed up brain and I

I can still remember my first panic attack so vividly. I was on the bus going to work passing through Old Street roundabout in East London. I was terrified. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before, my whole body froze, my heart was pounding out of my chest, my mind all over the place. I didn’t know what it was - mental health was not as widely talked about at that time.

I can’t remember what thought caused it but I had a lot going on at the time. We’d found out that my mum’s skin cancer had progressed. I was too scared to ask what it really meant and how serious it was. I wasn’t getting on with my boss at work and I really didn’t like my job. I knew my relationship of almost 10 years was in decline, but wasn’t ready to do anything about it. So basically, there was a fair bit going on in my ‘young’ life. I just wasn’t self-aware enough at the time to see how much stress all of these events put together were really causing me. It was never a conscious thought, these stresses, but subconsciously it was all just crashing down on me.

I did go to the doctors for help but they mainly treated physical symptoms. I was had swollen glands for no good reason and other smaller ailments. In the end they referred me for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) but looking back that really wasn’t what I needed. I needed some talking therapy to get to the bottom of what was really troubling me. To me then, CBT just came across as a 20-something woman (‘supposedly’ the therapist) telling me to think happy thoughts - this did not go down well. That said, I do really believe in in CBT and I’m now trying it again alongside talking therapy and getting to the root causes.

More on the CBT later and back to those pesky panic attacks. I had a few more equally crippling, equally scary, but at least I managed to figured out what they were after that first one. I had my last one visiting a friend who was working in New York for few days and with lack of sleep, jetlag and going out too much, I had the final panic attack3 o’clockone night. After that, they just stopped, I’m still not totally sure why but if I was guessing I would say that’s when I started disassociating. My brain was trying to keep me safe by blocking out my life. I didn’t really think about this too much at the time, I was just happy they’d stopped! Over the years since then the anxiety has been there in the background lurking always having me on the edge - "fear for no good reason", as brilliant explained in the Barbie movie.

Moving forward

That initial panic attack was almost 15 years ago now. The relationship I was in at the time ended after 10 years. My boss quit and soon after I quit as well. I got a new, better job that I actually liked, same goes for the boyfriend (sorry if you’re reading this dude!).

My disassociation is still there, I’m not too aware of it but do notice that every evening the morning seems like a week ago. My brain has been protecting me through it all as my mum got sicker and then passed away just over 10 years ago now. I know now that all of this was the root cause or gateway to my anxiety but somehow I didn’t realise at the time as I didn’t consciously worry about these things - the only conscious worries were everyday ones. I now think of my mental health as a building - the foundations are made from our basic needs like shelter, food and relationships then building up from those are the other less vital needs. If the foundations aren’t sturdy then everything else piled on top wobbles even more and little everyday worries seem like catastrophes.

Since my mum passed most of my major anxieties have been health related - seems so obvious when you write it down - my mum got ill and died so of course I’m scared the same will happen to me. I am aware though that most of the time when I have these anxieties it’s at the same time as something else big is happening in my life - I’m covering the real anxiety with the health related worries. It's almost like my mind is getting off on the imagined catastrophe of this made up illness (another ridiculous benefit of my mind - catastrophising imagination…told you my brain is messed up!)

The anxiety still also rears its ugly head over stressful situations at work. I felt it the strongest just at the start of the pandemic working on a project merging two companies and it was my job to work out the number of redundancies. It was a nasty project and really made me realise my values - I’m not ok with assisting corporate profit over people’s livelihoods. I guess I’ve always known that but this experience really brought it home. After that I made sure to work on valuable projects which would do some good for the world/people like climate change initiatives and my anxiety was so much better for it.

What has helped me

Having this time off with burnout has made me rethink a lot of my values and what I want to do with my life and has also shown that anxiety is not constant. I have actually had some days without it and when it has surfaced it’s definitely been lighter with the lack of stress around me now. I’m still trying to figure out ways of managing it as I’m sure it will pop up again when I go back to work in some form - queue the mindfulness meditation, yoga and breathing techniques. My therapist has recommended meditations from Thich Nhat Hahn around dealing with difficult emotions so I’m trying these at the moment. Like I said earlier, I also invested in a CBT handbook in an attempt to rewire my brain a bit and put some solid coping strategies in place for when I have to face ‘the real world’ again - keep an eye out for a separate post on that and a continuation of how messed up my brain is.

I have toyed with the idea of taking medication over the years but so far stayed away from this. I totally understand people who take it and it's very tempting but I want to try all other avenues first. I may however look into situational anti-anxiety medication for those high stress events (meetings, travel, public speaking etc). Overall though, for me, the best coping strategy when it comes to anxiety is the basics of taking care of myself. I don't take caffeine (makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack), I try to eat well, I prioritise sleep and I walk. Like they say 'if you feel like you want to kill everyone, eats some food. If you think everyone wants to kill you, get some sleep' - solid advice to live by!