Lifestyle - Living apart together

In Swedish we have two great terms (amongst many others like 'klitter' and 'hen' - look them up 😊) - 'sambo' and 'särbo'. Both are abbreviations but translating to 'cohabiting partner' and 'non-cohabiting partner' - you'd use the terms interchangeably with 'partner', 'boyfriend', 'girlfriend'.

Apparently living apart as a couple is seeing more popularity recently which is good to see and I know at least two other couples that also live this unique way (one heterosexual and one homosexual couple). There is even an acronym now - Living Apart Together (LAT) which Gwyneth Paltrow seems to be associated with, as her and her husband are living apart.

Before going into this I have to acknowledge our privilege, not everyone who may want to live this way can afford it. My partner and I are very fortunate to pretty much own our respective homes outright and are financially independent. We are also both quite frugal and live well below our means as a lifestyle.

I'm sure it's different for all LAT couples how they chose to split their time, some see each other every day, some only at weekends. We tend to go for the weekend option and spend Friday to Monday together as I work from London and my partner is based in Kent on his houseboat.

The pros of LAT

So what are the benefits? For us, we are both independent, introverted people who value our time alone for recharging. Living like this affords us that time alone as well as the quality time together outside the working days. Depending on your lifestyle and how much you like to do after work this may differ but the way I see it, I might as well crash out on the sofa by myself after a working day or have the options to go out with friends during the week.

Personally I think it also helps keep the relationship fresh. We've been together now for seven years and I don't think things would feel as fresh (or maybe even lasted this long) had we spent 24/7 together. We did move into my partner's place during the pandemic, so for two years we did live together full time. This actually worked quite well, after a bit of a hiccup around the six-week mark, but I think we are both glad to be back to our individual places since then. Like they say, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. It is nice to get to miss each other 🥰.

Variety is also a great benefit. We are split between Kent and London and it's nice to be able to have weekends in the country after a busy week at work or chose to have a city weekend and go out. This is a real privilege and we're very lucky to be set up like this, although the travel time is not ideal always.

I'm sure it's not the thing to say but for both of us we also appreciate the safety-net of having our own places. Always makes me think of Carrie's flat in SatC and how she never gave that up. You never know what will happen and it's nice to know that somewhere to live will never be a reason not to leave a relationship. Not that we're planning on this anytime soon.

Finally, living this way does seem to reduce arguments, especially those caused by end-of-day grumpiness. Don't get me wrong, we still argue it out with the best of them (especially when hangry) but we do miss out on on those day-to-day disagreements.

The cons of LAT

Despite the independence, loneliness can creep in from time to time. There's no denying that missing your partner can be tough. We speak on the phone pretty much every other night to help with this.

The travel really takes it out of me. It's only two hours door to door on the train but doing that twice a week does take its toll, especially when added to a crazy work schedule. We have very open communication and are working on ensuring that we both do the travelling to split the burden. It would also help if I learned to drive...

As I said at the start, we are very privileged financially as the main con living this way is the extra expense of maintaining two households. We do manage our individual expenses separately but food shop together and split those costs.

Although it doesn't matter one bit what other people think, some may consider it a con that you have to battle the views of people who don't understand this way of living (or are jealous of it 😉). Some consider it uncommitted or even 'non-grownup' to not be married or live together. Much like being child free, one has to deal with more traditional views.

The biggest con we come across though is that we are both quite territorial when it comes to our individual places. I especially find it hard to share my place which I'm used to being quiet, clean and tidy and my partner is a hurricane. We are still working on this, me on being less of a control freak and him on being less of a hurricane 😂

How LAT works for us

Living apart together has been a journey filled with complex emotions. On the one hand, we both have a sense of liberation, the freedom to be ourselves always. We've grown as individuals, recharged our batteries, and maintained a sense of self that we might otherwise have struggled with. On the other hand, there are issues that we've had to work through, maintaining very open and honest communication of our feelings which has not always been easy.

We've created a strong, caring relationship that's uniquely ours, and we wouldn't have it any other way. The pros of personal growth and quality time, though balanced with the occasional con, make our relationship as loving and unique as we both are.