Grief - How NOT to grieve

I've recently come to terms with that grief is the white whale of my mental health. I wasn't ready to admit that but lots of self reflection and therapy has really brought it out. So many of my issues stem from the loss of my mother 10 years ago - that's when my anxiety started, where my burnout stems from. This blog post is a hard one for me to write as even after so long it still feels raw...

I look around at my friends who also lost parents much too soon and they seems so fine, so together. Like they have had emotionally stable upbringings by supportive parents and 'know' how to grieve. I had (and probably still have) no idea how. I feel a lot of shame for not 'getting over' this yet after so many years. Growing up being told to be strong and get on with it, that's exactly what I did and through not processing the grief at the time it's still very much there in me.

I'm learning slowly, and trying to sit with it and let it out, but in the mean time I wanted to share what NOT to do in case it helps anyone.

Going back in time

I remember standing by my mum as she died with my aunt and uncle and feeling the loneliest I have ever felt in my life - the feeling was overwhelming. My brother and dad were both on their way from Australia and Thailand but couldn't make it 'in time'.

I was quite a nervous child and worried constantly especially about my mum. If she was 5 minutes late to pick me up then she was dead - I still remember that feeling, that absolute certainty, anxiety and fear.

Then it came true. Ok I wasn't a child, I was 32, but that loneliness came from that scared child, now all alone in the world (but obviously I wasn't alone, I had a father, a lovely brother, aunts and uncles, caring boyfriend and amazing friends). I did the only thing I knew how at the time though. I retreated into myself, not willing to share the burden and made myself lonely. I wouldn't let myself be vulnerable even with those that loved me and would have taken care of me if I'd let them.

What NOT to do

Here is my list of what I did but would not recommend anyone else do after a bereavement

'Be strong'

I cried and felt it at the time she died and at the funeral but the rest of the time I held it together and focused on the practicalities, working and getting on with life. Strength was always valued in our family over the showing of emotions and I followed through with this. This will be even more true for those with children to 'protect' from a family death. Holding it all in is never healthy - find someone you can let it out with!

Separate yourself

Even when my mum was sick I couldn't quite bring myself to be there as often as maybe I should have been. I couldn't see her that way and felt so helpless and useless as there was nothing practical I could do to help. Even when the rest of my family were there I stayed away and missed out on a sad bonding of sorts. Friends offered to come to the funeral and I turned them down not wanting to be vulnerable (you know who you are and that I love you both with all my heart forever ❤️). At the funeral I stood alone smoking (I so miss smoking!) running away from the sympathy and kind words of those there. At a grief ceremony I attended recently the councillor shared that "grief is made to be shared, it's not something you can do alone". I still struggle with this and shy away from talking about it but trying to open up.

Keep working/going/doing

Depending on your relationship to the person who died there is usually a huge amount of logistics and things to take care of (on top of everything in your life). It's very easy to get stuck into this. I went straight into sorting mode with funeral arrangements and then taking care of my mums things and apartment with my dad and brother. Then it was straight back to work after a couple of weeks off. I never stopped and just felt. I think there is a lot to be said for other cultures and religions like the Jewish sitting Shiva for 7 days. Then you are forced to just sit with the emotions together with your loved ones. This seems very healthy.

Beat yourself up with guilt

It's a natural part of death and being left behind and I think most people feel it. I felt huge guilt and still do for not being there enough and for missing a last phone call. I know my mum would understand and definitely wouldn't want me to feel guilty but still I do.

Try to do it on your own

I don't know why but at no point when she died did I even consider getting professional help. It wasn't and still isn't the norm in the UK or Sweden, it's still seen as strange to have a therapist. I did think of going to a group but not being someone who likes/knows how to share emotions in public this seemed impossible. I'm finally getting help and trying to get the courage to attend a group grief session and its definitely helping but it took every bit of strength to get that help.

Feel like you're a horrible person for taking out your anger on those around you

I only realised how angry I was at my mum for dying a few years after it happened. Up until then I was not pleasant to be around, grumpy, slamming doors and generally taking it out on my kind boyfriend. I realised after that I especially got angry at people who reminded me of my mum - kind, gentle, generous. After accepting this anger for what it was, it has then taken me years to stop feeling like a horrible person for being so mean to my then boyfriend.

Thinking only certain feelings are valid

Anger, disappointment, indifference, relief are all natural feelings during grief but as we're so cr*p at talking about grief and bereavement in northern/ western Europe these are not emotions we are willing to recognise. Sad is fine, angry is not - rubbish! Feel all the feelings - whatever you're feeling is fine! There is no right or wrong way to grieve so never beat yourself up.

Self destruct (but believing you're having fun)

Looking back over the years since my mum died I realised I went through 3 distinct phases of 3 years each - this was fascinating to realise!

The first 3 years were all about my health (quitting my favourite hobby of smoking, going to the gym, starting running), trying to do some good (doing a race for life to raise money for cancer research) and settling myself/belonging (buying a flat) - all quite wholesome really.

The following 3 years then went in the other direction with promiscuity, socialising, travel, getting a big job - blocking the grief with anxiety about dating and men. Followed by the last 3 years of working myself to oblivion to not feel anything and developing burnout - fun fun!

Realising that this is what I've spent 10 years doing was quite the sledgehammer to the head...I'm so glad I've finally realised though and taking action to grieve, heal and not just keep myself busy.

I really hope this has been helpful! If there are other things you've found not to do please share these in comments! ❤️