Going back to work (again) after burnout

It’s been quite a while since my last post on going back to work, almost 2 years in fact! So much has changed since then…

I went back to work at the same company after having almost 9 months off work to recover from burnout (see previous post). I lasted almost a year, it was a mixed bag and ended in tears. Going back at first was ok, part time helping, but managing my energy levels was tough. As time went on though the company put more and more pressure on me to increase my days, hit sales targets etc - they were supportive for about six months then that wore off. I’d always been looking to quit once I’d saved up enough month and as I got to about 10 months back I handed in my notice. This was so much tougher than I thought it would be! There were so many mixed emotions - feeling like a failure acknowledging that I just couldn’t do consulting work anymore, feeling let down by this organisation that broke me, sad to leave all the brilliant people I worked with, scared about what would come next…

Fair to say though that quitting was the best decision I’ve ever made and I wish I’d done it sooner!

I have to share that I’m in a very privileged position to be able to do this, I have no dependents, no mortgage, very low cost lifestyle, and enough saved up that I can live for some time. I know not everyone is in this position and have to keep working like they have and I’m so sorry if this is your situation.

Even being in this position I have been so scared and insecure not having an income. This largely drove me back towards work this spring (about 7 months after quitting corporate hell). I was very lucky that it was an easy process to start working for myself, having vowed never to be employed by a corporation ever again. I set up my own company and starting contracting with an old industry colleague in May for 2-3 days per week with quite an easy scope and limited meetings.

Although the process was easy, the feelings have been harder to manage…even buying a laptop was super triggering and bring back those original memories of the burnout.

Week 1 - Feeling unsettled and trying to do everything I could to calm myself. Morning meditations and breathing exercises, working from my sofa rather than the table to feel safer but still feeling some disassociation creeping in.

Week 2 - Body showing signs of stress (resting heart rate increasing, HRV reducing). Acknowledging the fear and that my body doesn’t feel safe working.

Week3 - Very emotional biodynamic massage therapy session recommending to journal on what I’m doing to keep myself safe. Cutting down on other activities which are stressing my nervous system like driving lessons and Rollerskating class. Minimising socialising to maintain energy levels. Keeping up the meditations, breathing exercises and walking to process.

Week 4 - Practising setting strong boundaries and asking for what I need. For example slowing down the pace of the driving lessons remaining, taking it day by day based on how I’m feeling. Cutting back on intense exercise, focussing instead on yoga and walking to keep moving but within limits.

Ongoing - When it came to time of delivery my nervous system really flared up again. Here I really had to cut down on other activities, maximise rest, monitor my energy levels and try to take as good care of myself as I could. I realised that leading up to the final presentations was worse than actually delivering them, it was the unknown, presenting to execs who I didn’t know and didn’t know what to expect from them.

What I found super helpful here was digging into my baseline assumptions of why I felt so nervous - for me it was the limiting assumption of not being good enough. This is something I’ve been working on through coaching and therapy for some time but there is still a niggle remaining. I’ve recently been reading the brilliant book ‘Time to Think’ in preparation for the coaching course I’m starting soon and this has a brilliantly simply thing to help get you unstuck.

It sets out that once you get to your bedrock limiting assumption e.g. ‘I’m not good enough’. You should consider the opposite of this e.g. ‘I am awesome’ and then ask yourself how would would feel/act if you knew this opposite to be true e.g. ‘If I knew that I am awesome, how would I feel about this final presntation and delivery?’ This really shifted something for me! I actually went into the presentation feeling confident and even though the views around the table were mixed and there was tricky feedback I was able to not take it personally and feel down about it.

A couple of other things that really helped was my therapist pointing out that this assumption was never about me. It was put there by someone who never felt good enough in themself and projected onto me (Hi dad! 😉). She also pointed out that when I’m stressed or run down in my body, this is where my mind goes in automatic response and treating this thought pattern as a symptom will help make it less threatening and real. It can then also be challenged easier but looking at the evidence to the contrary - I actually am pretty darn good!

Fair to say that going back to work for myself for the last 3 months has been a mixed bag emotionally but I’m so glad I did it! I’m still having to manage my energy levels so closely (especially as I’ve also got hormones to manage through perimenopause) and I’ve had plenty of burnout slumps where I’ve just had to be horizontal for days to rest but on the whole it’s moving in the right direction (albeit slowly).

Thank you so much for reading! I really hope it’s able to help some of you out there going through the same thing and would love to hear from you in the comments.

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