Burnout - Going back to work after burnout

So I've been off work for 9 months now with a combination of unpaid leave and sick leave. I've done much deliberating on whether to go back to my job or quit. I'm very lucky that from a personal and financial point of view I could do either thankfully. After much thinking and feeling (mostly angry) I decided to go back to my job but with some changes.

Speaking to the leadership I've agreed a paired-down part-time version of my role for a few months to allow myself to recover and build up strength again. I suggested a role to them that I could take on for 9 months which I felt would really help the company. They partially accepted this which is great but only for a couple of months then back to "what I'm paid for". More on this in a separate post though as I want to focus on here how I'm feeling and tips that might help others going through the same.

I'm actually going to post this in parts and build on it live as such so keep checking back for progress!

Two weeks to go...

I've been feeling very angry to be honest, mostly at myself for getting burnt out and not being 100% better yet. Part of this is that I had a plan for going out on my own, quitting the 9-5 which is now delayed - my grumpy inner 5 year old is not taking this well 😂. Also I've been feeling angry at my employers for putting me in this position and for not fully accepting my role proposal. This has taken some processing, and unfortunately taking it out on my partner at times. I'm trying, and I think succeeding, to give myself some compassion here - I've done the best I could recovering for someone who has never learnt/been taught to rest.

As I'm getting closer to starting back I can feel the anxiety building. I'm concerned that I'm not well enough yet and beating myself up for not resting more/better (though I'm not even sure what that would have looked like). I'm also feeling some shame for asking for help and going through occupational health to manage my return. Back to the compassion and trying some affirmations like:

• I deserve love and compassion from myself and others

• I respect my body’s needs and treat it with the kindness that it deserves

• I am patient with myself and accept that positive change takes time. My best self is emerging every day

One of the reasons I agreed to go back was that I felt this option had some safety attached. I maintain my medical insurance (very lucky to have this as it's currently paying for my therapy) and if, for some reason, I burn out again at least I'll have some sick pay. Sounds a bit callus but you've got to protect yourself! This does help with the concerns of relapse. I think at times like these taking the safe option is best.

10 days to go...

Adding to the anger and shame are now guilt and fear - great! Guilt that I'm going to be doing a 'smaller' role whilst everyone else is doing the full job. Fear that I won't be able to deliver any good changes in the time I've got, letting people down and that are the partners will know I'm a failure and I'll never work again. Logically I know this is not really going to come true but clearly parts of me are scared. Talking to my therapist about this she suggested I get my internal paternal figure involved (I imagine Tom Hanks in this role as my own dad is rubbish) so last night I sat down and wrote myself a letter from Tom including:

• Acknowledgement of my feelings

• Paternal support and pride

• Support of my life choices

• Reinforcement of my strengths

• Relentless belief in me and my abilities

It really helped! I slept well and definitely feeling less anxiety now - will keep reading the letter back for the next few days to reinforce.

I am starting to feel some excitement as well. The role I'm doing for a couple of months is focusing on addressing my department's gender balance - something I feel very passionate about! I'm looking forward to getting back and catching up with dear colleagues. Mixed with some nervousness of not knowing loads of people who have joined whilst I've been away.

Trying to spend the next 10 days resting, finding the joy roller skating and seeing friends and not thinking about my work email inbox with 4763 emails in it... 😬

Three days to go...

Definitely managed to get some rest and see friends but the roller skating got put on hold as I managed to fall and really hurt my bum 🤦‍♀️. That's slowed me down a bit this week but, oh well, carry on. I've actually been feeling much more positive about going back due to a few things:

• Drawing up rules for myself to follow (as much as possible) when I return. I've included here things like being myself unapologetically; not overloading my days and stopping to listen to my body, resting when I need to

• Speaking to occupational health. The company I work for hire an external occupational health agency. I was quite anxious about the chat, not really sure who's side they were on. Speaking to them though it was very clear that they were firmly on my side. They gave great advice about managing the burnout and sent a report to my employer about what safeguards I need in place to not burnout again. It felt great again to have more people on Team Burnout!

• Trying out tapping (Emotional Freedon Technique). I've read a fair bit about this in relation to regulating your nervous system and relieving anxiety and it does seem to have some evidence behind it. I've tried it a few times and it does seem to help - basically tapping lightly on pressure points in sequence across your face and body. You can read more about it here

• Finally, what's helped is actually shopping 😊. Like the child routine of back-to-school shopping I felt I needed new clothes. This wasnt just your regular 'I want to look nice' feeling, it was a deeper feeling that my old work clothes don't represent who I now am. I always used to dress very femininely (or what has traditionally been associated with feminine) in skirts and heels. After this recovery I'm feeling more in touch with a masculine energy (or what is traditionally thought of as masculine). I'm now feeling much more comfortable in trousers.

So, there we are, only a few days to go and spending them with my partner in Kent ❤️. Feeling ready!

Day 1 - Here we go!

Luckily I've not scheduled too many meetings so the diary is looking good with only 3-4 meetings throughout the day. I make sure to have a good start to the day going for a run at 7 (my first since injuring my bum falling over roller skating so it's a rather slow one) then doing 20mins of yoga to get in my body.

Logging on at 9 sharp - so far so good! I also make sure to get myself out for a lunchtime walk to get some air and sunshine. Overall I'm feeling good, keep checking in with myself and keeping an eye on my breathing and heart rate through the day. Catching up with colleagues is lovely and there is some really interesting work to be done so feeling energised by that. I actually manage to get through my 4,700 emails (deleting all of the non focused ones) and reading the interesting stuff. By the end of the day I'm feeling pretty good and actually not too tired logging off at 5 for my weekly therapy session which then turns quite intense but that's a different post I think.

I've decided to work Tuesday, Thursday, Friday so having a nice restful Wednesday, cosied up inside with the miserable weather out there charging myself up for the next couple of days which will be a lot more intense.

Three weeks in

Week one finished off with a bang and a half day, full department away day which really took its toll. 100 loud consultants in one room and 2 solid hours of breakout sessions for team working - it was introvert hell! I have to admit I just powered through and should have stepped out a few times to reset - lesson learnt. By the time I left I nearly cried on one of the partners in the lift but managed to hold it in until I saw my partner for dinner.

Week two I overdid it...it's so hard to know your limits going back and I scheduled a few too many meetings. Realising that the social elements of meetings are really taking it out of my poor introvert sole, especially telling people about the burnout and how I'm feeling. I was also struggling with knowing my energy limits until it was too late so suffice to say that by the weekend I didn't have anything left and had to cancel plans to rest - boring!

Week three was rough. Adding up the run down feeling from week two with a lack of sleep and my anxiety went through the roof into a right spiral. My brain should get a medal for its ability to castrastophise! It managed to convince me I was now definitely getting dementia from the burnout, that I'd never work again and will never get better - fun few days! My Wednesday off I had to cancel plans with a dear friend and spent most of the day crying on and off. What really helped though was doing some inner child work, talking to the scared part of myself, journalling and tapping as well as constant walks.

The latter part of the week was better as I cancelled meetings and took it very easy finishing early and monitoring my energy levels closely. I also started to monitor my reactions to different people I was meeting with which was really interesting. I realise I take on energy from people and so react strongly to stress in others - hello hypervigilance - and also feel the pressure of hierarchical relationships. Both of these are things I'm working on and am currently reading The courage to be disliked which provides some interesting views especially around the hierahical relationships which I'll share in my next post.

I've also been feeling really down about it all to be honest. This sucks! I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm fed up with having to limit my life and not have fun just so that I can go to work, and a pathetic amount of work for that matter. I've got all the help I need and know this isn't going to last forever so am just allowing myself to be sad for a while...

Aside from that, I'm actually loving the work! It's lovely to see my amazing colleagues and the gender balance work is fascinating, probably why I'm pushing myself harder than I should as well.

For this week I've set myself some goals around joy, maintaining energy levels and having a conversation around my days as I think the three days per week are a bit much for me at the moment...keep you posted!

Hope you're enjoying the journey! Subscribe on the home page to follow along. I'll continue this post as things progress with work...