Burnout, menopause & ADHD - oh my!
- susannelifelines
- Aug 11, 2024
- 8 min read
It's been a hell of a year - amazing self discovery and f*cking hard! 2023 & 2024 will definitely go down as some of the hardest but most rewarding years of my life. I've talked a lot about my burnout and mental health in other posts which on its own has been a lot to deal with. Turns out I'm also menopausal and have ADHD - the trifecta of crap to deal with and all three definitely linked.
Burnout
Throughout my burnout I had quite a few symptoms that I now realise were menopause - I just thought it was a bit early for all that in my late 30s. This was all happening during covid as well so we were all a bit messed up and dealing with a lot. I had some night sweats, memory issues and brain fog, mood issues and loss of libido. All of these are clearly classic menopause signs but they are also burnout symptoms so I just put it down to that and figured I had a few more years before I had to deal with the big sweaty MP. I know now that it was a combination and definitely still burnout considering the long recovery I'm going through right now.
I went back to work in October 2023 on a phased return at 2 days per week, working my way up to 3 days at the start of 2024 and finally 4 days (not by choice) in July 2024. It's been a constant up and down and I've struggled to learn to pace myself finding that I feel great for a while and overdo it to then crash and feel like crap having to isolate and rest for a few weeks. It's going to be a journey for while I think, some people say 3-5 years for recovery so I'll keep at it.
When I first called the doctors and got signed off with burnout in May 2023 I did ask about menopause but was told that I was too young (at 42), that I couldn't get a hormone test as I was on the pill and was then asked if I had vaginal dryness... bless that young man doctor for trying. For reference I've never had any hot flushes or a dry vagina even though these are two most common symptoms of menopause (there are about 35 different sympoms!).
Journey to menopause
I've been on the pill pretty much since I was 16 and wanted to come off it for a while. My partner got a vasectomy in the autumn of 2023 to enable this but we then had to wait about 4 months to get the confirmation that he had no more swimmers before I could stop the pill. What no one warns you about though is the withdrawal when you come off progesterone especially when you're naturally low on it (ie when you're over 35). Frankly I've never read anything that warns about this so it was a real surprise and shock when I came off the pill in January and then plunged into a horrible depression. This, on top of the burnout and starting back on project work (I was working as a management consultant), meant I basically became a recluse for about 6 weeks. It sucked! I felt like I was down a hole, looking up at the world and watching myself crying, saying negative things and generally being horrible to be around.
I also started to log all my symptoms around this time which had now increased to:
Memory issues
Low/no libido
Brain fog
Fits of rage
Insomnia
Low mood
Heart palpitations
Bladder irritation
April 2024 finally saw some relief to the depression and I started to feel like myself and managed to get my hormone levels tested. This was not the easiest as my doctor was reluctant to do the tests due to my age but I stood firm and she gave in.
Menoprocessing
That's where the menopause journey firmly started. My tests came back in post menopausal range (the doctor was thoroughly sheepish)! Frankly this was a real headf*ck at 43. There were a few things that got to me and took some processing:
Aging. This feels like a major milestone and one we relate to being old (even though that's rubbish). I thought I had another 10 years or so until dealing with this and it felt like this had come along way to early.
Losing fertility. Well, not losing it as such as I'm happily childfree but it did bring up the grief in me around the alternative version of myself who might have felt safe enough in the world to have children. This has been coming up for me for a while and came back big time with the menopause diagnosis.
Not associating with the societal image of a 'dried up menopausal woman'. It's so good now that we have new images of menopausal women but the old images are hard to get away from and this is still a taboo subject that we don't talk about nearly enough.
What I found hugely helpful to get through the processing was:
Reading! Davina McCalls book 'Menopausing' helped me a lot. It's an easy read and good balance between women's stories and medical advice
Joining Facebook groups to talk to others going through the same
Talking about it to anyone who'd listen! For me this felt really important. I'm clearly an oversharer (this blog is case and point) and with most things feel much better if I feel like my sharing can help others in the same situation so I shared on my socials and it lead to some really lovely interactions with friends and family members who I'd not spoken to for some time.
Menopause medical experience
To be honest the medical experience since then has not been great...I did my research and decided that I wanted to go on HRT especially considering the benefits around cardiovascular health, bone density and potential reduction to the likelihood of Alzheimer's (which runs in my family). There's now some great information and medical advice out there so doing your own research is a must!
Getting the HRT was quite easy after I got my test results and got the oestrogen gel and progesterone tablets and the doctor was really helpful. I started on the 12 days of progesterone with the rest of the month 'off' but again this led to that horrible depression about 10 days after stopping so having done the research i decided to take it continuously (25 on and 3 days off) whilst going back to the doctors. This is normally not recommended whilst you're still have periods but I asked around on the support groups and read up on the NHS website. So far this has worked out and moods have been stable and some symptoms are better but I still don't think the oestrogen gel is doing much and going back to the doctors to talk dosage has been painful honestly as it seems I know more than they do from my research. Piece of advice though - stay away from the vaginal oestrogen cream! Does help with bladder issues but that stuff is oily and frankly nasty! I hear the suppositories are better.
Menopause and ADHD
During Covid I started noticing that my attention was all over the place. I put it down to the introduction of teams, back to back meetings and the burnout. Turns out that menopause and hormonal issues exacerbates adhd symptoms for women - this article from Psychiatry UK is helpful. We all think about adhd in terms of little boys running rampant but it's so different for women and again doing research helps. I started following lots of accounts on socials and felt so seen. There were so many symptoms that I never realised were adhd, I just thought they were some of my quirks. Some of these things included:
Overthinking - ruminating and going over and over things in my head constantly. I guess it's like a physical restlessness but internal
Fidgeting (stimming) - I've always had this, constantly playing with stuff like pens, biting my nails, smoking (!), biting the inside of my cheek, fidgeting, itching etc
Rejection sensitivity dysphoria - this was a new one for me but explains a lot. A lot of people with adhd feel rejection and failure harder than neurotypical people and can often imagine rejection where there is none. This can feel overwhelming and almost physically painful. As a consultant I realise that I felt this every time I rolled off a project and felt like they don't want me anymore and also made performance reviews (for myself and those I was representing) intensely painful. I would literally not sleep for about 2 weeks before the biannual performance reviews.
Physical sensitivity - to light (NEVER turn 'the big light' on!!!), to noice (thank f*ck for Loop earplugs!), to clothing (itchy fabrics, tight clothing, labels, socks), to my own hair touching my neck (why have I got long hair?!), to touching if I'm overstimulated, to crowds...the list goes on. Most of the time it's ok but sometimes it all adds up and I go into a overstimulated shutdown
Fear of being observed - I've always been self conscious and so hadn't related this to neurodivergence. Wearing sunglasses helps (also with the light sensitivity).
Interrupting people - to be honest it's only something I've noticed myself doing in the last few years (apologies to anyone I've done this to over the years) and now try actively stopping myself do it but that takes some energy. This is related to knowing what the other person is going to say before they are finished and not having the patience to wait for them to finish.
Problem waiting your turn - in queues, in conversation it's hard to wait and knowing when to come in. In conversations being worried I'll forget my point if I wait for the best opportunity to speak (which literally just happened to the next bullet...)
These are some great insta accounts to follow:
I was super lucky to have Axa cover through work which included adhd and asd assessment and had my assessment last week (August 2924). I passed with flying colours! I know a lot of people feel conflicted about their diagnosis but for me it's felt like relief in knowing and validating my experience. It's also something I've had. A few years to get used to so definitely didn't come as a surprise. Also I think it's a pretty darn cool club to be part of 😎
I realise now that my adhd definitely impacted on my burnout through the extra energy it takes to mask and act neurotypical. I'm trying to unpick this now and learn to unmask which has been a big part of my overall self discovery journey. As I've started to learn to feel feelings (more on that in burnout blog posts) I've actually come to realise the extent of my physical sensitivities and started to actually feel them properly. This has led to big changes in me and how I feel and even how I dress (yay jumpsuits!).
It's been quite the year and so much to process - especially now as I've just quit my job! More on that in a future post 😎
Thanks so much for reading 🩷 and do go to the main page to subscribe to follow along on this middle age journey through menopause, neurodiversity and voluntary unemployment
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